FUMBLING IN THE DARK - A novel way to discover body oil
Posted: Sunday, February 01, 2009
by John Brazell
Here's a true story, promise, and so help me Hannah.
It's somewhat embarrassing, slightly "Adult" and I'm only sharing because it's cold and yucky outside. My golf game was canceled for the eighth week ... financials are in the toilet ... Dennis Kucinich has disappeared -- so there's not been much to giggle about.
This isn't very manly and might surprise you, but I'm into hand sanitizer. I know, I know, it may only be a placebo but just sniffing the alcohol can't hurt. And what if it isn't? You may be the only one not catching the latest strain of Asian Flu, Eggfugonwrg.
I'm not a germ-a-phobe, at least not in the Howard Hughes class, but most people given to excesses aren't aware of their, ah, excesses, so says important people who write things on Google. You should know that a billion (a government term) germs can fit on the head of a pencil. I don't know the person who proved that theory, but obviously he or she had a steady hand and can count to high numbers -- a government employee I suppose.
I have a few small bottles of sanitizer scattered around but they're mainly in my car, in drawers around the house, and in my shirt pocket when I'm out to eat. There's one dangling from a clip on my golf bag. The golf bag thing is something my daughter gave me so as not to distract from my golf game. I think it was a joke, "Golf is hard enough, Pops, without having to worry about hand germs when you eat a banana. I'm sure Tiger Woods uses it too."
No question my habit has influenced my wife, SB. She knows I'm forgetful and carries "just in case" sanitizer in her purse along with other little assorted plastic bottles and tubes of something. Though thoughtful of her, it takes a while to sort through all the stuff down in there with the kitchen sink. But she's often saved the moment. One time it didn't work out and we'll get to that later.
Our daughter, like her Pop, is somewhat of a jokester so it was no surprise that she included several bottles of Purell with other travel toiletries and ha-ha novelties in our "stockings hung by the chimney ..." on Christmas morning. Think shampoo, lotion, potions, oils, and lip moisture, things that could come in handy away from home. Obviously SB didn't look real closely at all the things she dumped into her pillow-sized purse.
This past week we settled -- harried and late -- into comfortable seats at the local theatre, popcorn and Coke in hands. "Have you got some, you know, hand cleaner," I whispered noting my pocket was empty and remembering the half dozen germ-infested door handles on the way in, and the red nose of the teenaged popcorn dipper?
In the darkness she searched her purse for small plastic containers. Aha, an unopened bottle appeared barely visible in her hand. She gave the top a twist with no luck and handed it to me, "This will break my nails." I turned the top vigorously and out flew the liquid, everywhere. It was on my hands, shirt, pants and seat. Some splashed on her. It was oily, scented and warm to the touch -- clearly not hand cleaner.
We caught just enough light to read the label, "KY TOUCH MASSAGE 2-in-1: Warming body massage and personal lubricant, scented."
Okay, Santa Clause, the jokes on us. But what are all these people at the theater going to think as they clean up the place.
First Cleaner Upper: "Last couple that sat here were from the Senior Center , I think."
Second Cleaner Upper: "Are you kidding? Wow!"
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Post Log and Life Lesson: Look before you twist the cap, er, leap.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)I do love your sense of humor old boy. And to wrap up your embarrassing love oil episode at the theatre into this hardly believable story makes you that much more lovable.Well done once again, I do enjoy your writing so much! Thanks for the laugh.Myla, you're a delight. If I've made you laugh even a little, then you've made my day. And who said "Truth is funnier than fiction?" Ahh, must have been me. Grins are still the ultimate elixir.Keep smiling and keep writing, both are becoming.Best,John
John,Hilariously entertaining. Thank you for sharing this story with us.Ronyae, I'm delighted you were entertained! And thanks so much for responding. If we can't laugh at ourselves, then we'd spend all our time laughing at politicians. Then what? Keep you wonderful sense of humor.John
Okay. It's official. I am now a full-fledged-honest-to-goodness-over-the-top John Brazell Junky. It seems you've opened up a very large can of worms that are now wiggling all over my desk...and me rolling around with 'em.....laughing to beat the band.Thanks, John. Keep 'em coming. PLEEEZ!Camille,Gee whiz, now you're making it tough! I feel like a rock star, but I know differently. Thanks so much for the compliments. Sorry about the worms ... but grab the can, punch a few holes in the darn thing and save them for your next fishing outing. Okay?You are a delight and I love your enthusiasm. And sooo glad you enjoy my nonsense.Best to you.John
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