John Brazell

I LOVE YOU LADY GODIVA (but mostly your chocolates)



Posted: Tuesday, August 04, 2009

by John Brazell

Some things just aren't right -- making fine chocolates with camel's milk is one of them.

This news came out of the desert and I couldn't let it go. Ahab and Ajab, the militant Bill Gates and Steve Jobs of the Arabic World, know it's only a matter of time before someone finds a way to fuel America 's gas-guzzling luxury vehicles with something cheap, like fire-ants.

In a seminar titled "How else can we make silly fools of Americans" Ahab and Ajab -- thought to be the twin sons of Harem and Scarem Hussein -- spoke with passion at the gathering of Camel Owners, Sand Owners and Rug Weavers. "We have only oil, sand, rugs and camels. I say we milk camels and Americans for all they're worth, again."

Turban waving and thunderous applause followed but for a few of the raucous attendees. The dissenters, mostly sand owners and cat lovers holding out to sell sand for boxes, were promptly taken aside and with one swoop of a well edged scythe, relieved of their turban holders.

In a rushed-up press release the twins codenamed "Friken and Fraken" said, "Only thing war-mongering infidels like better than big internal combustion engine and Twittering is chocolate. We have more camels than greasy oily brown stuff. Ya-hooo."

"Enticing a sugar-challenged nation with creamier camel-milk candy is flat out wrong" said a lobbyist for Donut Makers of America. "We're just now getting over the rack and ruin of Camel Cigarettes and ice cream, our balance of trade with the Middle East is in deep tar pits, and we don't need more stuff to rot our teeth. Just eat a donut."

I won't suggest the source of all food has to be attractive, wholesome and bow to our delicate sensitivities and romantic fantasies. Already we drink Moosehead beer and eat pig skins, crawfish heads, snails and collard greens. A little Camel Crme Brulee slugged down from a camel-hide bota bag might even be a fitting dessert. But everything always has its place, sometimes, maybe.

"Choose Camel Chocolates for a creamier smoother taste when the time is right" leaves me scrambling to find that place.

Nibbling on fine chocolates and whispering sweet nothings in your sweetie's ear is a time honored tradition, and expensive. Wondering if your particular camel spit in her own milk bucket doesn't make for a smooth transition to whatever crook in the road you're taking.

I don't know what goes on in the desert with Little Alibabba Too and his broke-back camel -- maybe there's some really touchy feely moments. But I grew up with Elsie, a gentle, doe-eyed cow that made you feel good about petting her nose, stroking her back and wearing a sudsy milktache.

Camels on the other hand have a face like Richard Nixon, eyes like Beelzebub and favor a four-legged ostrich on its worst bad-feather day. Their back sways and humps like a wet poly-down mattress in a dollar-an-hour motel. Cows moo and lick; dromedaries bite, hiss and spit like a head judge on a reality show.

To be fair, some camels are higher up the food chain than humans (near the Potomac ) but more comfortable in sweltering heat with pots, pans, homemade bombs and a swarthy rider tied on their backs. I doubt they go willingly to the trough for a morning milk letting. Who was the first guy to milk one of those things anyway, Mike Tyson?

Nevertheless camel-milk chocolates are soon on their way to America with fanfare and promise of a creamier taste and properties that can cure whatever ails you. It's time to resist the evil forces of camel exploitation and get out the big guns. Should you be on the good side of PETA, tell them camels are being milked twice a day without a < > lubricant or coffee break and fed dried cactus needles and flat bread without butter. That ought to do it.

Meanwhile, if you're headed somewhere with a box of expensive chocolates tucked under your arm, chances are you're either apologizing for something or working toward something for which you might have to apologize. Whatever, you probably want that box to be Godiva or Ghirardelli, with a picture of Elsie the Cow in a prominent spot.

Me? Think I'll run out and buy a bag of Snickers bars as my first act of patriotism. Those are made in America , right?

: )

World's first camel-milk chocolates going global

John L. Brazell is a native Texan and resides in the beautiful Hill Country near Austin, Texas. He's a retired corporate executive. John’s love for writing can be traced to high school typing class when he first typed, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party." As the only boy in class he took the instruction literally and fell in love with a forty-pound Royal Typewriter and every girl in the class. 

He is a member of several writing groups and has been published in ezines, newsletters/newspapers, community and corporate publications. His unfinished version of the next "Great American Novel" is entitled, The Unfinished Great American Novel.

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