John Brazell

A PANT LOAD: Cargo Shorts



Posted: Friday, September 11, 2009

by John Brazell

Every now and then it's good to step back and evaluate what's important in life.

On this particular day, my sweetie, in a "teachable moment" said it was a tissue left in my pants' pocket. "See, look in the washing machine -- fragments of tissue are here, here and here. This will put itchy stuff in your underwear, clog the filters and turn our house into a raging inferno. We'll buy our favorite beer, kickback around a table on the terrace and discuss it later."

"But we don't drink beer," I said, though quietly.

The "moment" occurred sometime after I became attached to "Cargo" shorts and after she washed two one-dollar bills, a peppermint, two screws and pocket change on the hot cycle.

Being a sugar addict and down to my last peppermint, I tried to extract melted plastic-wrap off the nickel-size chunk of sugar. After ten minutes of biting, digging, scraping and pulling I let er go. But what the heck, even garlic swished around in a caldron of hot Tide suds loses its flavor. As for the one-dollar-bills, now I understand the term, "laundered money".

Cargo shorts have a dozen pockets including two just above the knees and a difficult reach should your sacroiliac be kinked like a cheap water-hose on that day. It's possible to fit the entire contents of your garage into these short pants except, of course, your Buick. Though lacking in the same high fashion appeal, cargos have darn near the same advantages and payload as bib overalls without all the buckles.

My failure to remove foreign objects from my pockets is a congenital defect first noticed when Momma found a family of frogs in my diaper, and tolerated until I was too old for adoption. It likely was, and continues to be, a direct result of putting way too much stuff in pouches and forgetting. You can't remember everything especially when you're a very grown-up man.

Sadly, now it's a unilateral concern and threat to an otherwise blissful matrimonial state.

Though it's clearly written in the WASHER PERSON'S MANUAL that she must empty pockets before the wash, the concept hasn't caught on in our household. She says it's safer to stick her hand in a bucket of streptococcus or hug a pig with a runny snout than go poking around in my pockets.

Here's a quick historical perspective in case you've forgotten.

Human pockets were thought-up a long time ago by the very first Captain Kangaroo to carry farthings, shillings, rocks, toothpicks, baling wire and fish bait. They came to satisfy deep emotional cravings called hoarding and prevention of identity theft - for a place besides a cave or coconut shell in which to put private stuff.

Women, being softer and gentler, came to stuff stuff in their respective bras and Gucci bags. Men and boys put anything that would remotely fit into their pockets.

"Pockets aren't perfect but always a place to put your hands", so said Yogi or moi.

You need only to watch baseballers scratch and adjust to realize what would go on in public places without the visual privacy of pockets. Without them, it's possible men would still run naked through the woods hand carrying a club and everything else they own.

But alas, even cargo shorts have their slippery downside. Stuffed excessively they tend to acquiesce to the force of gravity and settle on or below ones' own private equator. Exposing your Fruit-of-the-Looms and occasionally your under your underwear is a hazard. If you've heard of the "Ghetto or Plumber Look" and wondered, this is it.

Thanks for listening to my talking points as I prepare for the sit-down meeting on pocket etiquette. You can help me with this final question:

"Should my loaded-up cargos slip below the fall line, what color boxers go better with khaki -- blue or green?"

: )

Post post: Earlier this week on the golf course, a lovely, thoughtful friend gave me $60 for tickets. I quickly put it into one of my many pockets and can't remember. Fortunately, it was on my golf bag. Aha, I'm learning.

Cargo Pants Click here:

John L. Brazell is a native Texan and resides in the beautiful Hill Country near Austin, Texas. He's a retired corporate executive. John’s love for writing can be traced to high school typing class when he first typed, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party." As the only boy in class he took the instruction literally and fell in love with a forty-pound Royal Typewriter and every girl in the class. 

He is a member of several writing groups and has been published in ezines, newsletters/newspapers, community and corporate publications. His unfinished version of the next "Great American Novel" is entitled, The Unfinished Great American Novel.

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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Brianna Popsickle
 2 years 231 days ago.
I'm sorry John, but I don't know what WASHER PERSON'S MANUAL  you're referring to, but mine clearly states: WHOMEVER PLACES ITEM IN THE WASH, EMPTIES POCKETS. Oh and in answer to your question, green, definitely green.
Good article. :)
» left by John Brazell 2 years 231 days ago.
27 fans.
Brianna, hmmm, you've got the same manual as my wife. Guess mine is a little dated. Actually I'm trying a little harder to search those pockets. You're always a delight and I enjoy hearing from you.
 
Keep your great sense of humor and thanks. There it is, Green is good - and surprisingly no one chose blue.
 
John
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