Finally a Christmas Letter That Will Make You Giggle
Posted: Sunday, December 06, 2009
by John Brazell
Of this I'm certain, the days, weeks and months of 2009, like the number of Cheerios in a box, sheets on a roll of Charmin, and your 401K, have shrunk. How else could we be breathing down the neck of '10 so soon? Maybe I took a longer nap than I thought.
. . . . My long suffering sweetie started the year by getting a "foot-lift". Over the years she had grown an extra toe (without a nail) known in the metatarsal trade as a bunion. It resembled a thumb-size onion without the hairy roots and hence the similar name, I suppose. It was a sense of wonder and speculation at Lu Lu's Pedicures. "How you do pawrish?"
. . . . The sensor for our garage door-opener went kaput and the door wouldn't go except in the old fashion way -- push and pull. For a week I hammered, pried and prodded the one-ounce marvel that keeps a 500 pound door from falling and denting a Buick or grand kid. She tired of pushing or pulling in her Smoot-boot, called a laid-off, laidback lawyer posing as a garage door fixer upper. He showed in clam-digger shorts and thongs, fixed the door in fifteen minutes and didn't include court costs. She says another long episode of my ineptness and she'll put him on a retainer, or run away with him, my choice.
. . . . Earlier this year, your vaunted DC leaders gave away a trillion smackers of your tax money to anyone wanting a few million chump change. The only string attached was a promise to, ah, vote, smile and act grateful. She on the other hand cut my allowance and demanded an explanation for every purchase I made over five bucks. She never picked up on the new trend.
. . . . Central Texas 's collective spirituality soared along with the high temperatures during our record summer heat and draught. Everybody prayed for rain and a break in the temp including the "well done" nudists at our Hippie Hollow beach where shortage of sunscreen caused a near panic. It may be true that Hell hath no fury like a blistering Austin summer but locals weren't inclined to take the chance. Once scorched, twice shy.
. . . . Austin is UT Longhorn burnt-orange all the time, but was burnt-orange-er this year. We can stand it as we have orange bloodlines. We went to a "tail gate" party, AKA a "covered garage" party, next to Scholz Beer Garten for a football game against spoiler Texas Tech. Half the state of Texas was jammed into one square burnt-orange-block drinking beer. There are 4 or 5 urinals in the Beer Garten. Whoever wrote the song "Something's Got to Give" had this situation in mind. Lock-kneed and pained expressions aside, it was a good night.
. . . . In cleaning out my files, I rediscovered a photo from my colonoscopy of a couple years ago. There were a few benign polyps but thankfully no bad ones. Contrary to popular opinion there was no evidence of my head having been there. Though, I might have been looking from the wrong angle.
. . . . In a weakened state I fondled a new Ping Anser putter at a local Golf Shop. It was a deja vu moment as I played with the same type putter forty-years ago. But alas our memories, as my putts, are way too short. It now joins other defective clubs lining the wall of my garage; the "two ball" putter, the mallet, the mullet, the rubber insert, the silicone insert, the iron maiden, the hickory shaft . . . and the broom. Until I'm in the golf shop again, I'll remember you can't buy a game, nor can you "Go back home again."
. . . . I had a skin cancer removed from my nose which required plastic surgery and, coincidentally, made my nose permanent and non-biodegradable. I asked for the George Clooney model but got George Foreman instead. Obviously the surgeon took the attitude, "You've seen one George you've seen em all." It is a fact her foot is now prettier than my nose. She says I should have had Doc Cute do the work, but at the time I didn't know if cute Doc Smoot could do a snoot.
. . . . I had a bout with Sciatica (not the town in Sicily ) and could neither sit, lie nor stand comfortably for a few weeks. The remedy was to stretch-out kinks, muscles, sciatic nerve and whatever else links your posterior to your toes. My robust therapist pulled, pushed, pressed and promised I'd grow a few inches after the treatments. With the inactivity I did, around my waist.
. . . . With the talk of rationing Senior Health Care, we have decided to stock up on our favorite drink which could be labeled "fringe" voodoo medicine (like wine and aspirin) and therefore unavailable under the new rules. Should you come across a sale on BENEFIBER, let us know. Our internal plumbing and teeth won't stand up to regular rations of barley stalks and Pinto Beans.
. . . . We've done our part this year to clog up the digital heavens. Between us we've received on average 40-50 emails a day, a few tweets, a few texts, a few old fashioned phone calls and a mailbox full of written stuff you can touch before you dump in the trash. If my tally is correct, not counting the local paper, Reader's Digest, Sears Catalogue and Harlequin novels that's near twenty-thousand pieces of communication. Obviously silence, meditation and thinking have gone out of style. Good thing you can still read, tweet, blog, iPod, talk and laptop in the bathroom (now you're going to wonder).
Lest we forget, Christmas is a special time of the year.
It's a time of reflection, of thanksgiving, of celebration, of cheer, and loving as deeply as you've ever loved. We're grateful for your love and friendship. These wonderful things plus a ton of laughter and giggles are indeed the elixir of life. Don't forget to say your prayers and remember the true meaning of this blessed time. God Bless you in the New Year and God Bless America.
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Wonderful, funny, uplifting article. I love your sense of humor. Please keep writing.God Bless and Merry Christmas,ShariThanks Shari for your very nice comment. Laughter is still the best medicine. And the best to you and yours during this wonderful Christmas season.John
Hilarious John. I agree laughter is the best medicine, and you just gave me mine for the day. Thank you and Merry Christmas to you and your family.Brianna, so good to hear from you! And you've help make my day too. To elicit a smile with what we do is reward enough. You, too, have a wonderful Christmas and extended holiday season.Warmest regards, John
Hi John.Great stuff! Love your sense of humor.Thanks for sharing,DianneDianne, thanks for your nice comments. It's best to laugh at oneself and beat everybody else to it. Besides crying requires a hanky and I never have one.Keep smiling and Merry Christmas to you.John
You, Sir, are a VERY funny man. Love your clever wit and your command of the language. My first read (of yours)...but surely not my last! Bravo on a piece well done!Camille, you're so sweet to respond with such nice compliments. Yes, laughter is the best medicine -- and I already take enough of the other stuff. Keep your own sense of humor, it is becoming.Best to you,John
Totally enjoyed this letter and your humor! Marijo
Hi Marijo, thank you for coming to see me. It makes my day to add a smile here and there. During the Christmas season I'm usually about seven years old -- my wife says a full three years younger normal. But it's self-serving as I have no room left for more frown lines.All the best to you doing the upcoming seasons,John
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