Indulge Your Wildest Fantasies: Apples Are Good For You
Posted: Saturday, October 16, 2010
by John Brazell
(Disclaimer: Pardon the explicit nature of my text, though we're all adults here, right? I, of course, am very adult which provides for sundry discounts, a ceiling on school taxes and immunity from generally accepted rules of human conduct and behavior. They carry the code name, "Old Coot follies.")
Three months ago I indulged in the ultimate sensual pleasure.
At my age it sounds ridiculous but I couldn't help myself. I knew better. I was an hour away from home when I swerved the car, bounced off the curb and parked right there. My pulse raced, my palms were sweaty. My entire being was consumed with spine tingling emotion, desire, anticipation –- something, in recent years, I'd felt only in flights of fantasy and retrospection. I knew it was wrong but I wasn't in control. I had a willing partner who nodded, "Yes, let's do it but you'll have to clean up the mess."
Game's on.
Since I am old, and of the "Fender Skirt" generation that don't kiss and tell, it is embarrassing to discuss personal and intimate details. I've read –- Paris Hilton, I think -- that social networking and emptying one's soulful-bucket by sharing secrets fills an emotional void. But I don't know how to "twitter" except in the old fashion sense, "tremble, chirp, and chatter in a high pitched voice." That I did.
Best I recall we're blessed with six senses – sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste and common. "Common" sense disappeared when "political" and "correctness" became a hyphenated word. You could say on my fateful day all my senses were at a rare peak and my aura burned like a hot Texas sun. That is, all except "common."
My will power plummeted and buried - a soup bone in an overbooked kennel.
As with most extraordinary events, the memories of my three-month-ago interlude lingered in my vacuous mind. I've thought often of those few moments of enormous pleasure and relived them, vicariously. It is a feeling of adventure, of partaking of forbidden fruit -- a mix of the good and bad like Elvis singing "Hallelujah" and "Amazing Grace."
So it was when I planned another trip along the same road, near the same remote group of small shops and gas station, my heart pumped a little harder, my mouth became a little drier. My inner youth still struggling for life begged for more. I turned to her and whispered, "Shall we do it one more time?"
She responded, "Oh, why not, we're away from home and there's no one here but us."
With that smidgeon of encouragement, I rushed into the nearest unmarked parking spot, threw off my seat belt, caressed her passionately, promised a blue-moon and twittered, "Isn't this exciting?"
We hurried into the small, sparsely furnished corner of heaven and inhaled the aroma that only God, sugar, butter, glaze, a deep fryer and an extraordinary baker can create. There lay the object of my fantasy, my dream and my obsession -- plump, perfectly shaped, plate-sized apple-fritters. As my heart pounded I blurted, "I'll take all of ‘um."
SB, my long standing spouse, in kindness and consideration of those who might follow said, "We'll take two."
I handed over two bucks and mumbled, "How ridiculously cheap is the price of true happiness." I rushed to the car, tore open the bag, fondled the manna from baker heaven, and stuffed my mouth, spreading sugary glaze over seatbelts, clothes and everything within a five- foot radius. Within three minutes I'd eaten half a fritter and slowed traffic to a crawl.
She said, "You know you've just eaten a half pound of butter and sugar."
I said, "Yeah, but with it a half bushel of apples. This falls in the fruit category you know."
Post Mortem The little shop of bakery delights, called too simply, "The Donut Shop" is located in Lampasas , Texas . It's on the right as you head north on #281 and hard to see. I've only tried Apple Fritters but they are the best thing you'll put in your mouth, aside from your retainer. They're usually gone by noon, but we left a few of ‘um for you.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Hi John.
I loved this! Witty and funny and entertaining as all get out. My mom used to make apple fritters when I was a little girl. You're right. They are a little piece of heaven.
Thanks so much for the fun.
Hugs,
DianneDianne, you're a dear for responding. Obviously I write humor which is easy as the human race, unsuspecting as they are, provides an unending supply of funny stuff. There's no "hysterical" category on Search Warp but we'll continue to have fun anyway.
Continued great writing to you,
John
Oh John. John. I'm a fritter girl myself. When I started reading your article I thought I might need a cigarette once I was done, but seeing as I don't smoke, I'll settle for running out to the nearest donut shop.Brianna, I might have told you that I love you. Though it's true, hope not because that might get me kicked off SW. Anybody who likes Fritters, and humor, simply makes my heart go pitter-pat. Keep having fun, indulge your soul and enjoy life.
Best to you,
JB
I love your humor. Great article to end my day with. I love just about anything a great bakery has to offer and believe me it shows.Linda, so great to hear from you. I've lived on the planet about a thousand years and am thoroughly convinced a bakery is the best loved place on the planet! Who could resist just the aroma? Obviously I'm a humorist and the material never runs out since the human race is just so doggoned funny. I love anyone with a sense of humor and obviously you have that. It is becoming.
Best to you,
John
My god, you're wickedly decadent! You set up such a good red herring, I'm still laughing!Jennifer, my dear, but at my age apple fritters are my passion, sort of. Glad you're still laughing, it's good for the soul. So great hearing from you. Keep your sense off humor, there's nothing more attractive.
My best, John
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