John Brazell

A Pollen Tsunami and Faulty Flu Shots



Posted: Saturday, April 09, 2011

by John Brazell

At the urging of the Surgeon General and Oprah, I dutifully went to a well known drugstore and got a flu shot.

This was during the optimal time for people my age – after a nap in October. Actually I’m not sure of the month but there was a big sign in the far corner that read “Get shot here.” My first impulse was to, well, you know, run.

Don’t mind telling ya, it was a strange feeling getting a shot at the same store where I buy my toenail clippers, Snickers and Suave hair gel. I was a little jumpy, but the drugstore was convenient and who doesn’t need another box of Kleenex and Merlot? I leaned toward SB, my enduring wife, as we meandered toward the back, "For all I know the girl with a nose ring and pink hair that’s stalking the candy and dirty cards gets a turn at sticking people. Help me watch for her."

"Relax. She’s a customer, and obviously good at punching holes in body parts."

After the jokes about Swine Flu a few years back, everyone knows that different strains have been named after animals and countries of origin, which I suppose, is better than numbering them like Super Bowls. You get up to XLVI and everybody stands around and says “Huh?” Birds, pigs, assorted other mammals and Asia seems to have gotten most of the blame. I don’t know how viruses are passed from animals to humans or humans to animals and just as soon leave it at that. My hope is some big name tabloid interested in this sort of stuff, like, say, The Inquirer, will find out and put a stop to it.

We arrived at the “shot” corner and waited for the first available “chemist” to take a break from dispensing medicine -- some of which was for runny nose, fever and body aches. Surely there is a wash basin or can of Lysol somewhere I quietly whined. Before I could say "ouch" I was inoculated. “Inoculated” -- now there’s a neat word befitting the paranoia.

Oh no, we’ve got it.

Between us, SB and I are allergic to everything and possibly to each other. That’s a slight exaggeration as I can eat cheeseburgers with real milk cheese without sneezing or breaking into hives. In deference to family and all the photos we’ve made together, and joint accounts, we'll continue to assume we're not allergic to each other.

As luck would have it we’ve chosen the most allergenic area on the planet in which to live and sniffle. Pollen counts set new records this spring making bees happy and everyone else scurrying for antihistamines. Eyes and noses are red and lungs, if we could see them, look like two ripened bananas. If you’re wondering where the extra five pounds came from -- it’s pollen settled in your epizudus.

So it was of little concern that both of us had intermittent sneezing, coughing, sore throat, headache and congestion. As it happens, they’re the exact same symptoms of the common cold, allergic reaction to pollens and the dreaded flu.

SB’s hacking cough and slight fever finally overtook her usual good nature and high tolerance for discomfort and she toddled off to see her doctor for the cure. Doc did the swab in the nose thingy and declared her infected with the flu – type B, a virus shared by ferrets, seals, wives and husbands.

Yep, I said it. During a lull in one of her coughing spasms I asked, with a smile, if she had had any social contact with ferrets or seals. I wasn’t punched in the nose immediately but she got her revenge. A week later I had a light case of type B to complete the family circle.

That was a month ago and both of us have recovered well enough from the flu to cough, sneeze and complain about the continuing allergen tsunami of 2011.

I haven’t yet asked for a refund on my faulty flu shot but don’t expect a positive response. A replacement wouldn’t be of much value. But an all-you-can-carry shopping spree in the candy department would be nice ... plus, a case of Kleenex and a family-size pack of Benadryl.

John L. Brazell is a native Texan and resides in the beautiful Hill Country near Austin, Texas. He's a retired corporate executive. John’s love for writing can be traced to high school typing class when he first typed, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party." As the only boy in class he took the instruction literally and fell in love with a forty-pound Royal Typewriter and every girl in the class. 

He is a member of several writing groups and has been published in ezines, newsletters/newspapers, community and corporate publications. His unfinished version of the next "Great American Novel" is entitled, The Unfinished Great American Novel.

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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)
» left by Dianne Lehmann
 1 year 26 days ago.
136 fans.
Hi John.

You certainly have a way with words! And making humor out of misery is a great gift!

Thanks for the fun and I hope you and your wife are feeling better.

Hugs,

Dianne
» left by John Brazell 1 year 23 days ago.
27 fans.
Dianne, thanks so much for stopping by and your kind words. We've still got watery eyes and afterglow noses but we're making progress. A nice rain would help clear the air of pollen. Though until, humor is still our best elixir and Kleenex our best friend. And I'm living up to my blow hard reputation.

Best to you my cyber friend, John
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