Will Shorter Laces Save Your Sole (and Noggin)
Posted: Saturday, July 16, 2011
by John Brazell
I bought two new pair of rubber-sole athletic shoes bringing my total to a "gazillion" -- a large number used to describe both government spending and Tiger's girlfriends.
Wearing “gum-sole” shoes is, unto itself, not unusual for seniors, and will be required in the new Medicare rules mainly to reduce the repair costs of square dance falls and shuffleboard scrapes.
My significant stash of shoes is in various stages of “worn out” and lying in a corner of the garage. SB, my significant other, refers to the odiferous pile as “Mount Adidas Eruptus.”
“Un-huh,” I tell her, “I’m looking to recycle for a new set of tires and a bungee cord. Then you’ll be sorry you called it dumb. Besides it might rain some day and I’ll need mudding and kayaking shoes.”
The most remarkable thing about my new shoes is the length of the shoelaces which are the height of a normal twelve-year-old boy, and Mickey Rooney when he married Ava for a few minutes. A second matter of note is that I committed a fraudulent act as they were clearly marked “Running” shoes. I don’t know if it said, “Under penalty of law do not 'walk' in these,” but it's possible.
I haven’t run anywhere in the last millennium nor do I intend to in the next one. My defense is there were none marked “toddling”.
Here’s the rub.
The laces in my new shoes are long enough to weave through the eyelets with enough left over to wrap around your neck, or mine, and wear as a bow tie. But I’m the last to question Japanese technology. It's possible the laces, or “strings” as we called them as a kid, do something really useful, like, “Stick your foot into the leather or canvas foot-chamber and give a yank on the strings. The shoe contracts and your blood pressure will be printed on your big toe while you try to hit a tennis ball.”
I’ve been derelict in addressing the problem.
It's mainly because I’m preoccupied with things that have shrunk, like the number of cookies in an Oreo bag, a body-part or two, and the distance a dollar doesn’t go at the gas pump. Falling on a droopy shoelace and putting a dent in my garbage can and corborundum changed that. Lucky for me I didn’t fall and slobber on the service line on a concrete tennis court, or a greeter, or something - at Walmart.
Mine was a two-part theory.
Shoelaces were either getting progressively longer or I had regressed to my first year in school when Patsy Lou helped me tie and retie my shoes. I tried granny knots, slip knots, double knots, what knots and why knots only to step on the bows or have them flop across the shoe like they were worn by a five-year-old fidget monkey. To allay angst of regression and cure my curiosity, I went to my shoe pile, held my nose, and measured shoelaces.
It was an “aha” moment. Over the last decade shoelaces have indeed gotten longer.
So what’s up with the longer shoelaces? Does one size fit all, including Eeyore the elephant? "You don't get something for nothing," Paris Hilton once said.
Has Nike struck a new deal with China swapping surplus photos of Tiger for jute and hemp? Has Willie stopped smoking it? Have we found a stringier strain of polyester growing in the everglades?
Last week I gravitated to the large display of sport shoes in a Big Box to fondled shoes, sniff new leather and observed the length of the laces. I held one shoe by a single lace, wounded opossum style, and let it dangle. The nearest patron seemed interested so I posed a question, “Are you supposed to tie the excess shoelace around your neck or waist?”
His personal solution (Duh) was to cut off the excess lace and singed the ends to prevent unraveling. I responded, “But Golly-Gee-Whiz, what would new shoelaces be without aglets ...?”
While he stared blankly and backed away, I said, “I’m kidding sir, aglets are the little plastic things on the end of the laces the dogs chew, see these things right here, see ... “
Think I’ll "triple tie" a Granny Knot. Or, apply duct tape where needed. It comes in colors, you know.
: )
Seriously - tie up and zip-up, it may help you save face.
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