John Brazell

Going the Distance With a Jug of Moo



Posted: Friday, September 02, 2011

by John Brazell

So it was just me and an unopened 96-ounce jug of milk. The little woman was nowhere to be found.

The whole-grain-toasted little “O’s” were calling and I was going to win. I gathered my wits and twisted off the first impediment, a screw-on cap, knowing the second would test my motor skills and will to suppress four-letter golf words.

Stretched across the bottleneck and under the cap was an aluminum foil barrier, welded, and super-glued, to the 1.2 inch opening. It is the exact same materials and procedure used for the outer skin on anything flying, floating or docking in the NASA space program.

I know it’s an anti-tampering device but Sweet Hannah this is secure enough for hiding the Family Jewels and Victoria ’s Secret. They do still want you to drink milk, right?

This wasn't my first rodeo as I’ve bludgeoned, twisted and torn milk-bottle-foil before. In this, a more tranquil moment, I decided to do it right. “I will not leave jagged foil edges and pour milk all over the table and hell's half acre. I will not drop chewy foil fragments into the milk. I can do this. SB will be proud”

I’m not the handiest guy with a hammer, awl or drill, and really, I wouldn’t know an awl from an owl. My natural instinct is fire-aim-ready, starting with the most convenient kitchen implement, which on this morn was the venerable, versatile ice pick. This was the better choice by far had I planned to suck the 96 ounces of milk through a skinny straw.

In succession I tried a paring knife, a larger paring knife, scissors, a paperclip and my fingernails to free the remnants of the foil. Surely I wasn’t the only hapless creature unable to clear all the goo from the moo opening. Frustrated I tuned to my computer guru, Ima Googler, for the answer.

I searched, “How to open a bottle of milk” and received in turn, “Shouldn’t you be breast feeding?” Unlike wine where reams of “how to” pages are devoted to opening wine bottles, there are no web pages on how to open a jug of milk. Hmm, could it be that a first grader can do it? Or, there are more wine than milk drinkers. Yeah, that’s it.

Like a kick in the short pants, it came to me; I know the perfect tool. I went to SB’s vanity and took her super-duper "do not touch" tweezers. I tweezed the remaining shreds of foil, carefully wiped away my DNA, and returned the tweezers to their rightful place.

As proud as a blonde in an all jug band, I sat down to enjoy my cereal and poke at the enemy, a small crumpled pile of foil. After a few hundred jugs of milk I had finally done it. I had cleared one, totally. Take that milk guy.

My sweetie arrived and I pointed at the carnage and explained my accomplishment. She took cursory notice rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah, I’m really proud of you” and disappeared. As I was replacing the cap on the milk jug I noticed two tiny pieces of foil still clinging tenaciously to the rim.

This would have bothered me a lot had the stock market not cut itself in half fifteen minutes later.

Here's the only disclaimer that I found on the jug. "KEEP REFRIGERATED. DO NOT USE IF SEAL UNDER CAP IS MISSING."

Fat chance that'll ever happen.

John L. Brazell is a native Texan and resides in the beautiful Hill Country near Austin, Texas. He's a retired corporate executive. John’s love for writing can be traced to high school typing class when he first typed, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party." As the only boy in class he took the instruction literally and fell in love with a forty-pound Royal Typewriter and every girl in the class. 

He is a member of several writing groups and has been published in ezines, newsletters/newspapers, community and corporate publications. His unfinished version of the next "Great American Novel" is entitled, The Unfinished Great American Novel.

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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)
» left by Brianna Popsickle
 247 days 6 hours ago.
121 fans.
Hilarious as always. I could read you every day John. Nice way to start my morning. Have a good one!
» left by John Brazell 246 days 4 hours ago.
27 fans.
Brianna, and I could read your nice responses every day. Best to you and may you always keep that wonderful sense of humor. John
» left by Christofer French
 246 days 3 hours ago.
73 fans.
It has been my secretly held opinion that the confounded "foil" of great utilitarian fame is actually and invention left by aliens as a throw away bit of genious to entertain us "little ones" and cause confounding amongst us hardworking male citizens. By the way, I took typing in 1967. Only male. Made lots of girl friends. Actually learned to type. Got a C, made straight As otherwise. Best class I ever had. Looking forward to your work.  Place:  Lubbock, Texas - Coronado High School.
» left by John Brazell 245 days 19 hours ago.
27 fans.
Chris, at the least there is a force with a singular mission to vex the chronologically challenged. Sounds as though we Texas boys are genetically charged to exploit ye olde typing class to our advantage. That class provided some of my fondest high school memories, in Irving, to be exact. Best to you and thanks for the comment.
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