John Brazell

So What's In Your Evacuation Bag



Posted: Sunday, October 02, 2011

by John Brazell

“It’s hotter than hell in Texas ” is no longer just an expression. And it's dry as burnt toast.

Yeah, it’s been a tough summer as triple digit temperatures, high winds and lack of rain raised the misery index to just short of living in the Gobi Desert with the Kardashian family. Wild fires spread across Texas like, ah, wildfire devouring everything in its path. A lot of people lost everything they owned. But Texans are a neighborly sort and will lend a hand, give a dollar, and help people get back on their feet.

There’s been lots of speculation and study as to the root cause of the wild fires and more is forthcoming. Actually, I can save a lot of angst and government research money as I’ve figured it out. The legislature in our great state was in session first half of this year. In the grand finale, a particularly blustery session, the hot air from the hallowed chambers funneled down Congress Avenue into the nearby hills and caused multiple pockets of spontaneous combustion.

Though the fires never threaten our neighborhood, it scared the begeebers out of our household, all two of us, knowing what could have been. In a “Duh” moment, over a glass of enriched grape juice, we verbally thumbed through the important stuff we’d grab first should a catastrophe come lapping at our doorstep. Turns out that's the exact same exercise Dr Phil uses to evaluate the emotional instability of his patients.

The easy stuff, well, came easy -- a short supply of prescription pills, family photos, scrapbooks, certificates, family jewels, grand kid crayon drawings, flashlights, laptops, iPhone, iPod and iGlasses, anything else beginning with an “i” and a large bag of Snickers. Oh, and clean underwear.

Then came the hard part, called “Pondering,” which can sometimes make you look and feel constipated. It was with a furrowed brow that I pondered; “What are the most important things on the planet that will fit in a pillowcase, toe-sack or Glad bag?” After ten minutes I handed my list to my dutiful caregiver and long suffering wife.

In no specific order, please include:

.....My trusty forty-year-old combination money clip, flip-out blade and fingernail file that has traveled the world: I use it every day. I’ve opened wine bottles, cut toenails, cardboard and plastic, sliced cheese and bologna, warded off aardvarks and all matter of bad juju.

.....My thirty-year-old Thurlo Brand sport socks made of cotton and spun titanium: They will never wear out, but may cause blisters, and I’m leaving them to the Sock Hall of Fame in Canton , Ohio .

.....My autographed photo with Willie Nelson: Willie was at his aromatic best in our photo and the scent was not Aqua Velva. It was with Willie that I developed an appreciation for - pause here - bandanas.

.....My shoe-shine brush dating back three generations and used in my first job, a shoeshine boy: I no longer shine my shoes, or anyone's, because sneakers won’t shine. You never know when brogan wingtips will return and canvass sneakers will complete their incredible run. Besides it’s an heirloom.

.....My mechanical drafting pencils left over from the Iron Age: My DNA is permanently etched in the shafts. They just don’t make ‘em like these anymore.

.....A map to Artz Rib House, lest we forget, home of the best BBQ ribs and most fun you can have on a Saturday night with your jeans on.

.....My autographed purchase-receipt from “Little Alice Lon”, the original Champagne Lady on Lawrence Welk’s show: Little Alice, a Texan and my favorite singer on the show, was summarily dismissed when she showed a knee in a “Cheesecake” pose. We met in her dress shop where she was wearing one of her "mini" blouse creations. Turns out Little Alice wasn’t little at all.

.....My hole-in-one golf balls: I’ve played golf for 50 years, spent a fortune, and two used golf balls are all I’ve got to show for it.

.....My twice-worn white buck shoes: I got them to wear to a Pat Boone concert half a century ago and they’re still like new. If they won’t fit in the escape pillow case, I’ll just wear them.

.....The recipe for your Mum’s world famous pecan pie, in case our memory fails.

• Even if there’s room in the car trunk, don’t bother with my collection of 13 putters. All of them have serious functional flaws.

There you have it. So what’s in your bag?

Rx for life: light exercise, moderate consumption, heavy laughter

John L. Brazell is a native Texan and resides in the beautiful Hill Country near Austin, Texas. He's a retired corporate executive. John’s love for writing can be traced to high school typing class when he first typed, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party." As the only boy in class he took the instruction literally and fell in love with a forty-pound Royal Typewriter and every girl in the class. 

He is a member of several writing groups and has been published in ezines, newsletters/newspapers, community and corporate publications. His unfinished version of the next "Great American Novel" is entitled, The Unfinished Great American Novel.

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